I feel I must preface this entire entry by saying that I haven’t read Twilight. Nor have I seen the movie. Though I’ve heard a lot about it. And I’m sure I’d like the books, but for now I’m going to rail against them for a bit. But, I won’t be picking on Twilight alone…I have some issues with a lot of new vampire-genre books, tv shows or movies. Vampire laws are different in every single one of them. This must stop. The viewer has to sit there and figure out what vampires can and can’t do in each different story and it’s exhausting. They can go outside in this, but not this. They can eat garlic in this, not that…see what I mean? I’m a helpful person by nature, so here are the new rules. Scriptwriters, authors, comic book writers and anyone else looking to make a vampire story–take heed.

  • FANGS. You have to have them. Otherwise you’re not really a vampire now, are you? You’re really kind of a zombie with higher cognitive functioning and the need for blood instead of brains. The retractable fangs in “True Blood” are fine…though Wolverine-esque and funny at times. But Twilight…grow some fangs. The fangs have to be the canine teeth, too. I’ve seen people do front teeth or molars. No. Canine teeth. It was good enough for Dracula.
  • DAYLIGHT. You can’t go out in it. I was on the fence for a while about making an exception for Blade the daywalker. But after a lot of soul-searching I decided that the “mother was bitten while I was born” story was too convenient and if you make an exception for one vampire (no matter how awesome) it leaves the door open. So a blanket no. The whole “Glittering” thing you’ve got going on is lame Twilight. Hang it up. You’re a creature of the night, so act like it. Deacon, no sunblock is strong enough to block all of the UV. I’m not saying they should combust the minute there’s sunlight. But they should burn. Maybe melt. But definitely burn. I don’t fully understand why sunlight makes them burn up, I’m sure in some cultures it has to do with the evil-light vs. dark thing and in other cultures it’s simply because they’re dead, but it has always made them burn up. So, let’s not deviate 200 years later.
  • VAMPIRE/HUMAN BABIES. Knock that shit off. I know that won’t be popular, so let me explain. I’m not saying you can’t date a vampire, I’m not saying you can’t marry a vampire…but you can’t get pregnant from a vampire. They’re dead. They appear alive, but really they only breathe out of habit. They’re very much dead. There’s just no way they can emit semen. I’m sorry. Being dead means thatnone of your systems work. Reproductive included. But, again–you can date, have sex and marry to your heart’s content. You can even adopt. But a male vampire can’t knock someone up and a female vampire can’t get knocked up.
  • ON BECOMING A VAMPIRE. It seems to me that if a vampire bites you, you’re a vampire. “30 Days of Night” got pretty choosey with this and “True Blood” has some weird process that involves draining blood, replenishing with vampire blood, being buried, then emerging a vampire. I’m sure at some point you have to spin around three times and spit to the East. They didn’t show that part. So let’s simplify that a bit. If a vampire bites you, you’re a vampire. You pass out and wake up a vampire. So, no more biting during sex, “True Blood” and “30 Days of Night,” next time you wipe out a village, you’ll make a village of vampires. So I guess you’ll have to feed, then stake.
  • WEAKNESSES. In “True Blood,” there’s a part in the Show where Vampire Bill explains to Sookie that a lot of weaknesses don’t exist, but vampires spread those rumors so that humans have, misconceptions. That makes a lot of sense. That being said, here are some vampire slayer methods and which ones stay and which ones go.
    • GARLIC: Lame. Let’s drop it. I’m not sure why it worked or what it was supposed to do, so let’s just leave it in the past.
    • SILVER: Stays. Its roots have something do with silver being pure and vampires being evil. I don’t really remember. But regardless, it stays.
    • MIRRORS: Vampires can see themselves in them. They can take pictures, too. I don’t see why not.
    • CROSSES: They don’t work. At least not on vampires. Besides, it’s the faith of the person holding the cross, not the actual cross. Plus, we live in a smaller world now and people worship all sorts of different faiths and it doesn’t seem fair that holding up a cross would repel a vampire, but then not a Star of David or something.
    • STAKES: Drive them through the heart. In the olden days they drove stakes through the hearts of people they believed to be vampires during the day, so that the body would be stuck to the ground when the sun set. In honor of the eastern european villagers, driving a stake through a vampire’s heart will indeed kill said vampire.
  • INVITATIONS: I don’t get why a vampire needs to be invited in to enter someone’s home. But there’s something poetic about it. So…it stays. Plus, if it weren’t a rule, that scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer where Benny (played by David Arquette) is floating outside of Pike (Luke Perry)’s window and asks to come in, to which Pike says, “You’re floating! C’mon man, get away from here!” wouldn’t exist. And life would be tragic.
  • SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH: Speaking of Benny floating outside of Pike’s window…superhuman strength (i.e. super speed, strength, etc) stays. I mean, you’re the living dead, break the laws of physics.
  • MORPHING INTO ANIMALS: But don’t go overboard breaking the laws of physics. Vampires can’t turn into bats or any other animal. That’s just ridiculous.
And just a few loose ends..it doesn’t make complete sense, but I like the idea of vampires having an ancient language they can speak (like in 30 Days of Night). So if anyone wants to use that, go right ahead. Also, it makes sense that human-vampire relations would be strained. Don’t get too preachy drawing analogies between vampires and homosexuals or other minorities (I’m looking at you, True Blood). Also, it bothers me that no one ever asks the vampires about their histories. Some of these guys became vampires a long time ago and we could learn a lot from them.
So next time you’re writing something with vampires…keep these rules in mind and have fun!